Godric's Hollow
by elleffsee
Summary: Severus is told of the events the night Voldemort's power ended, but he realizes Lily is dead. Unable to cope with it, Severus loses himself in grief.


_I wrote this for a challenge on Livejournal. The three prompts I used were: worst day of your life, unexpected, and enough. I was re-watching Deathly Hallows Pt2 and the Prince's Tale has always been one of my favorite parts. It's so emotional and sentimental and perfectly heartbreaking so I, of course being a masochist, had to write something. I hope you like it._

* * *

The rumors flew in dark, shadowy whispers. There was chaos that spread in the hushed tones, carried across the miles from the Death Eaters that had disappeared into plain sight, disappeared behind a mask of confusion, doubt, and public appearance. They moved through the villages, the towns, along the countryside and into the city. The rumors flew past windows, buildings, fields and valleys, all throughout Britain and beyond.

But one rumor stuck at the front door of the last house of a street called Spinner's End.

Severus watched a mumbling, confused Bellatrix fade out of his house and disappear into the darkness of the night. He did not know where she was going, but nor did he care. Severus was too shocked to move, to think, to react. He simply slumped backwards against his wall and slid down, down until he reached the floor.

His mind was a hundred miles away, in Godric's Hollow. His concern did not rest on his master, the Dark Lord. His concern did not even rest on the boy that had seemingly stopped him. There was but one person that Severus could think of.

And the rumor caused an ache so great in his heart that Severus could not breathe.

*~*

There was a field with flowers growing slowly due to the late spring. It wouldn't be a long summer, if there was one at all, this year. That did not stop him from enjoying it. It was probably the best summer he had ever had.

Severus lay in the grass and felt the warmth of her next to him. His fingers itched to reach over and take hold of her hand, but he was too shy for that. For now, it was enough of a contentment to let his hand lay in the grassy meadow next to hers. Perhaps one day, perhaps by the end of this summer, he would fearlessly hold her hand.

"What do you want to be when you grow up, Severus?" She asked softly, daintily.

He smiled a little. "With you."

Lily smiled, laughed a little, and closed her eyes when the sun came out from behind a cloud. Severus watched her, eyes closed half-way from the brightness of the sun, and felt an ache in his chest. He did want to be with her.

He could only hope that one day it would come true.

*~*

"You said…you _said_" it was all he could do to repeat the words over and over. "You said!"

The ache in his tone finally pleaded in ways his words could not. Dumbledore turned around and gave him a sympathetic look from where he stood by the window.

No matter how many times he repeated it over and over, Severus refused to believe it. He had half-convinced himself that it was all a lie, untrue. It could all be undone. With a time-turner, perhaps. He could return to earlier in the night, save her before she had to die. Dumbledore had given his word, as a man and as a wizard. He had promised she would be safe.

"You said you would keep her _safe_." The anguish in his voice caused Dumbledore to turn away again. Perhaps from remorse, from guilt? Severus wasn't sure which one.

"Lily and James put their faith in the wrong person, Severus. Rather like you." Dumbledore paused. "The boy survives."

Severus slurred his words from his pain. "He doesn't need protection. The Dark Lord is gone."

Dumbledore turned to him fully and looked at him. There was an earnestness in his voice that caused Severus to focus on his words, and their intent.

"The Dark Lord will return. When he does, the boy will need protecting. He will be in terrible danger."

Severus looked away, down at the floor, anywhere that wasn't at Dumbledore's pleading face. There was too much to do, he was asking too much of him. What good could he, a rejected suitor and a fallen Death Eater do to protect an infant? Why should he?

As if reading his mind, Albus spoke gently. "He has her eyes."

Severus glanced up and studied him warily. He was about to voice a protest when Albus continued.

"If you truly loved her…"

It was a low, unfair attack on his honor, Severus thought. He should be insulted, upset even. He was smart enough to see how Albus was playing his emotions and feelings for Lily against himself. It was very cruel, and unfair.

Severus sniffled slightly and then straightened his posture. He had had enough of weeping in the company of one of the greatest wizards that ever was. He pointed directly at Dumbledore's heart.

"No one must know."

A little too kindly, Dumbledore replied, "I would never reveal the best of you, Severus."

*~*

Severus never liked James Potter.

He didn't like the cocky air that the boy had whenever he was around anyone, even his own reflection. He didn't like the way he carried himself, didn't like his jokes, didn't like the way he picked on those lesser than him. Severus _definitely_ did not care for the way he looked at Lily, as if she was a piece of meat that he wanted to devour whole.

Perhaps that was the true reason why Lily said that he scowled more and more with each passing day.

Severus liked James Potter significantly less when Lily would change the plans that they had had together to be with James instead.

The hurt burned inside of him like a coiled snake ready to latch its fangs into its next victim. His insides froze, his heart stilled due to the ice, and he could all too-well recall the days of his not-so-distant youth and the loneliness it wrought. Now, he had more time than ever to focus on his studies, not that he cared to.

Severus now had to watch as Lily and James went everywhere together, laughed together, ate at meals together, even studied together. He was told that their attraction to one another had sizzled into life after an argument and James had kissed her to silence her. Severus' insides turned at the thought.

When the winter snows came, Severus kept his eyes solidly out the window and away from having to watch Lily and James in the great hall. He would keep himself down in the Slytherin dungeons more and more as he retreated into the shadows. Lily would still smile at him, speak to him, but as the winter nights drew longer, the less she did so.

He told himself that he could live with her loving someone else, but no matter how many times a day he said it, Severus still never truly believed it.

*~*

There was no denying it, Severus told himself as he looked upwards at the house Lily and James Potter had lived in. He always knew he would end up here, _tonight_.

The roof was ruined, collapsed on one end. The glass in the windows of the upstairs rooms had been blown out. The front door was open, a few lights were on inside. It looked as if a hurricane, perhaps a tornado, had blown into the house and disappeared. The consequence of a terrible storm, the Muggles would think.

Yet Severus knew very differently.

He could not help himself but move forward, through the front door and inside. The smell was unlike something Severus had experienced. It didn't smell like Lily, but nor did it smell like death. It was simply…different, and in a very unsettlingly unpleasant way.

Severus had never liked James Potter, even less so in the past few years as Lily had shown more and more in her pregnancy, as their marriage had continued to improve beyond the lovers that they always had been, as they both fawned over their newborn son who grew slowly. Despite the fact he had never liked him, Severus felt a small twinge of pity as he saw the man staring lifelessly at the ceiling.

Swallowing stiffly, Severus moved slowly up the stairs and down the ruined hallway. He could hear the wind whistling through the broken parts of the house, in through the windows and the collapsed roof, out through another hole it had found. Eerie was not the word, terrifying was more accurate.

Severus carefully side-stepped the body of his most despised rival, and continued down the hallway. The silence grew louder and Severus very much did not want to know what was in the room at the end of the hall. Still, he could not stop himself. He continued forward.

There was a smashed lamp whose bulb still illuminated the room in the most ghastly way. The shadows grew taller and more ominous as Severus stopped in the doorway. For the second time that night, he sank backwards to the nearest form of support, the wall. His heart left his body completely and his anguish returned in tenfold.

Lily and her beautiful eyes would never look at anything else again.

At the sight of him, the boy in the crib began to cry loudly. Severus ignored him, he couldn't help it, and sank to his knees beside Lily. The tears he had held back from Bellatrix, from Dumbledore, and a little from himself, finally spilled over.

Tentatively at first, Severus reached out to touch Lily's back. It was the first time he had touched her in years. He jerked back instinctively at the cool touch. The breeze from the roof above stirred her hair and Severus ran his fingers lightly over the red curls. He ignored the cries of Harry and he ignored the trails of tears that streamed down his cheeks.

All that mattered was Lily and the one thread that had held him to goodness, that kept him from completely surrendering every part of his being to the Dark Lord's magic had died. The thread was snapped, knotted and ruined, tossed aside and discarded and gone. If it hadn't been for the fact Voldemort himself had done it, Severus would've let the darkness drown him.

He held Lily's body against his own and sobbed into her hair. He knew he looked a fool, and he felt like it. But he felt so many things besides foolish. Lost was the most relevant.

Lily had been his world, his desire, his life for so long. Severus had always held the hope that one day, _one day_ she would still be his. She would finally get tired of stupid James Potter and his antics and come find him, admit her love for him and they would be together. He could fancy himself old and fat so long as Lily was there to warm his home and his life. She could melt the ice of his soul and bring meaning back to him.

But she was gone, now. There would be no more meaning for him.

Severus did not know how long he had sat there, weeping like the fool that he was, but he realized that it was slowly stretching towards dawn. The very long night that this had been was growing towards its close. And there would be people coming soon.

Very, very reluctantly, Severus released Lily's body and laid her carefully on the carpet. He couldn't help but fold her hands over her abdomen and arrange her clothes so that she looked as if she were sleeping. If he truly believed it for just one moment, Severus could actually believe that she was.

Finally coming back to most of his senses, Severus looked up and saw Harry had finally cried himself out and had fallen asleep in his crib. Swallowing the emotion lodged in his throat, Severus stood and looked down at the sleeping boy. Harry resembled distinctly what Severus would have assumed James looked like as a baby, he was that close to looking like his father.

Severus reached down to adjust Harry's blanket when the boy's eyes opened slowly. Severus stilled completely. Looking up at him wasn't James Potter, but Lily Evans. Dumbledore had been completely right. Harry did have Lily's eyes.

Perhaps maybe, and only maybe, protecting this boy might have an advantage to it after all.

Severus looked back to Lily's body on the floor and swallowed. He would have to leave her. Dumbledore would be sending someone to collect Harry soon and Severus couldn't be here for that. Severus moved back to the doorway and kept his eyes on Lily.

Softly, he said, "goodbye," before he disappeared into a dark cloud that was headed for Spinner's End.


End file.
